What an absolutely terrible time in history to have thin walls, limited alone time, and a frenzied sex drive. It also totally sucks if isolation has destroyed your vibrator of choice (and desensitized your bits in the process). If you have the funds, it’s now more than ever important to find yourself some whisper quiet sex toys. You may be lacking human contact, but you’re still cooped up with nosy roommates, suspicious partners, and family members who still think you’re as pure as the prima ballerina photos still hanging in your childhood bedroom (bless).
So how exactly can you tell what sex toys won’t sound like a freight train? Well, thanks to the beauty of online sex toy shopping, a lot of them will straight up share if keeping quiet is a feature. Like let’s face it, having 80,000 vibrational patterns is useless if they’re going to wake up the entire household. But don’t worry, we’ve done the research (read: I will not be quarantining with parents during the next pandemic) and can vouch for these gadgets that can keep your pleasure on the DL.
Quiet sex toys for when you need to be discreet
1. BENDER BY UNBOUND, $69
For when you’re looking for some flexibility… like, literally. With 10 speeds and a two hour battery life, Bender is a G-spot vibe that can also go the distance with whichever erogenous zones you fancy. It promises to be very, very quiet, much like many of its other siblings at Unbound (and pro-tip, they all use the same charger)!
2. LELO MIA 2, $51
Lelo is known for it’s sophisticated stylings and luxury toys- their Ora 2 oral simulator is a good buy if you’re missing out on the real thing. They also practically invented the “whisper quiet” genre, and the classy, clitoral-targeting Mia 2 can give you low-key vibes whenever you need them. Best part? This red hot number is on mega sale right now!
3. LELO Soraya 2, $165
If you do want to invest and get a good deal, we have Lelo’s sleek take on a classic rabbit vibrator, Soraya 2, also discounted. She’s a peach: four hours of playtime and 12 settings, a smooth way to guide yourself towards a blended orgasm.
4. Le Wand Bullet, $85
Hi, this vibrator effing rocks. It’s a classic bullet with two detachable silicone heads, so you can switch up your sensations while keeping your vibes pretty straightforward. As for the volume factor, I’ll say this: I received the Le Wand Bullet at my last pre-lockdown shindig, I took it with me when I had to quarantine in a very crowded home, and even in a bedroom with no locks I trust its discretion.
5. Dame Pom, $99
Candidly, I recommend this friend a lot; it came down to this and Dame’s tiny wearable Fin, but in a personal test down before I wrote this (not done on myself), Fin’s just 1 percent louder. Pom is unique for being adorable, squishy, and malleable. It’s not an oral sex simulator per se, but if you get creative with some lube or arousal oil, the shape can bring you to familiar places.
6. Womanizer Pro, $149
If you’re less about fumbling with rumbling and more into suction sex toys, we have some fabulous news! This guy has 12 different settings and a silent mode that’ll keep your pleasure under covers (like, literally, probably). The real challenge will be keeping your own decibel levels down!